when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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