Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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