So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Randomize
