Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
