dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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