She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
