I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
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