I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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