Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
