highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
