found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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