Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
