***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
