What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
