I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
