Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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