hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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