peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
