Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
it's great music for shaving your balls
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
