life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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