Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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