I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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