Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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