take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
