when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
