Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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