My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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