I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
farters have to be the big spoon...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
