I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Let's get the cat blown out
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
