i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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