Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
