She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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