Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
