Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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