I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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