Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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