I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
