Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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