I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize