I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize