when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
