lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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