Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
