watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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