1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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