that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
