Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
