I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
