Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
