What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
