2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
