dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
