Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Randomize
