The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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