I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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