I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
