dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
