I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
