After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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