Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
