I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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