My nipple is on Facebook.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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