is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
