I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
