The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
