I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
