Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
