did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
