The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize